surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
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[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts