Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
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Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
rise and shine we got egg
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus