I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
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This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
I think I’ll stand
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Heroic Misunderstanding
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect