In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
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Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Stop sending me this shit.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*