By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
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Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
when you don’t want to be too vague
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”