Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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.
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.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
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Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
For those that worship cheese..
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Not all heroes wear capes….
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Canada has crack?
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
wtf management?!
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill