Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
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I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
*jingles half the way*
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Breaking news:
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture