My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
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Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.