Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
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*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy