Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
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why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
this makes me so uncomfortable
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.