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I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
me when i see my girls butt
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
guys i’ve cracked the code
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.