When life hands you women, make women laid.
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To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
(by @ZachWeiner )
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond