what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
You Might Also Like
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!