sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
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“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no