Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
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Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Worst bar ever.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.