Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
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People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.