I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
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Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
The biggest mystery of our time
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?