One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
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Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana