It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
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Best goalkeeper.. 😅
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.