My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
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FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend