Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
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If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”