[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
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[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
first you must answer his riddles
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?