What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
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Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY