Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
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ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.