Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
You Might Also Like
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids