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Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage