coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
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I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]