Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
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The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Truth
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.