Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
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I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.