Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
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For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
i want to work in this restaurant
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
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i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.