gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
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Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income