It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
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Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.