Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
You Might Also Like
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law