Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
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Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Whoa 😂
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning