*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
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Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.