Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
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—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.