[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
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My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days