If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
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I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.