I hope they boil the right one.
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You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
My daily affirmation
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad