My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
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If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
my dog when i have a friend over
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.