Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
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Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.