If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
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A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready