Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
You Might Also Like
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.