[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
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My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.