Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
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I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
his wife is probably gonna see that
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*