Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
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Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
the three genders
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Breaking news:
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
waiting for halloween be like:
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome