Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
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If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.