FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
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“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?