Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
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Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
This is my pinned tweet
incredible
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad