ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
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I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
When ur friends with white people
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.